When life is not exactly a blogfest…

August 14, 2009

I’m not sure how to restart.

Life has been, um, well, yeah.

This time I mean it.

No, this time I do.

I abandoned this old thing quite a while back, a fact which in my teensy spot (microscopic really) of the internets, really doesn’t matter too terribly much to too terribly many.  Even now, sitting at this keyboard, I feel woefully inadequate to do this.  But these past months have contained such a theme of loss, not just for myself, but for so many others I love, that I am wary of completely losing this place too.  Even IF this place is so small and the ocean is so wide.

So, when life is not exactly a bloggable experience, sometimes I just shut up.  It’s more than just a “If you can’t say something nice…” theme; it’s more than not being able to choke out the right words.  It’s more about becoming selectively mute, ever conserving the mental energy to simply live life.

I will say that I’ve become something of a crappy friend to many.  Too many times, I don’t pick up the phone when it rings or I don’t return the message that has been left.  I suppose that I have inadvertently taught many friends a lesson in forgiveness for the idiot who struggles to return calls or make calls in the first place.  I haven’t meant to be that way.  Really.

Since Tim has this information on his FB account, I would say that it’s not exactly a secret that he’s been out of work for nine months.  This.  Has.  Sucked.  Financially, psychologically, relationally.  Sometimes, not in that order.

And Tim and I, partly because of the  job crisis and partly because of other schtuff, have been coming through the most difficult part of our marriage.  I say coming through because that’s really what I believe — that we are indeed, coming through to a place where we choose to love each other more completely, where we choose to communicate about the most painful issues, and where we look at each other as more than roommates and co-parents.  So, of course, there’s the good that God brings out of the tough times, etc., yadda, whatevs, you know.

I don’t mean to sound cynical because I’m really not.  Do you know that a year ago this week our family was on a cruise???  A year ago today we spent snorkeling in Cozumel.  Today, I went to work — oh yeah, I have a job now.  Teaching English at a small local nursing/allied med. school.  Imagine this:  the MFA in Creative Writing gets a job in 4 days.  Sent the resume on a Monday, got an e-mail back Monday night, spoke with them on Tuesday, interviewed Wednesday, got the job offer Thursday.  Holy crap, if that’s not evidence of a divine and benevolent God, I don’t know what is.  I like my job.  I really, really like it.  I like my students, and I so enjoy tremendously cool co-workers.  I feel like I’m actually doing a good job and that I’ve helped some students to become better and more confident writers — after my initial period of feeling in an absolute panic.  By no means do I make a tremendous lot of money teaching part time, but it helps.  And it helps my sanity to have something to focus on other than, well, almost everything else in my life.

But back to last year at this time: yeah, a cruise.  Wow, that was fun.  And to me, the memory of the cruise illustrates how all of our lives are so damned fragile.  I don’t think anyone is too far away from his/her life circumstances going completely into the shitter.  I’m struck that we’re all pretty much one circumstance away from the spiral — a sick child who won’t get well, the death of someone we adore, the pink slip, the broken relationship.  But oddly, I’m finding that rather than making me feel weak, this realization is making me feel a kinship with others, whether they’re suffering or not.  If someone is suffering, I feel so much…more than I ever have before.  Maybe I’m learning to weep with those who weep.  And if someone appears insulated from real suffering, I almost feel like I should pre-grieve for them, because we’re, none of us, getting out of this life unscathed.  While suffering is, by no means, spread evenly, I doubt that anyone escapes it.

So on the good days, wow, I am so thankful for all the wonder in my life — my healing marriage, my beautiful and healthy and increasingly funny and independent children, the overall health of my parents.  So much of what I thought I needed to live, I’ve found that I really don’t.  Well, except for money.  Good god could we use some money. 🙂  But there have been some truly bad days too.  There have been days where I have struggled to get out of bed, to take a shower, to be a parent.  There have been days, crap weeks, where I’ve felt like we have fallen out of the grace of God and His people.  Mostly, there are just days where I’m desperately trying to put one foot in front of the other.  I don’t go out very much with anyone because, frankly, I can’t afford to go out.  What was once a simple decision is now fraught with difficulty (and this applies to other parts of life too).  Somehow, though, with the blessings from God and His people (so much from our families, so incredible much it makes my head practically spin, so grateful I am), the kids are getting what they need:  food, clothes, school stuff.  Don’t ask me how it works out on paper, because it doesn’t.  It just doesn’t.  In short, I’m blundering around, doing this life so imperfectly it’s laughable, and there’s so much hanging over our heads right now, that if I think too long, I literally start gasping for breath.

So, um yeah.  Maybe I’ll try this blog thing again.

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8 Responses to “When life is not exactly a blogfest…”

  1. kjames said

    hooray for blogging again! girl, even if we don’t talk for months, i have nothing but love for you. don’t ever doubt that.
    i’m excited for you about your job! i can’t wait to hear more about it.

    the marriage stuff… well, you and i already talked but i just want to say again, i so understand. and am glad for you. and the getting through it is so good even when it’s hard. keep at it.

    love you so very much.

  2. Kristen said

    I for one will be glad to see you back on here. 🙂

  3. Robin said

    Beth, oh Beth.

    I hear so much of my own struggles in what you write; different circumstances, similar emotions. Thank you for sharing so poignantly and honestly; in the entire breadth of the human race, more people can relate to this than can not, which is probably small comfort, I am sure. Know that you are being held up to and by the grace of God, and there are people near and far who care deeply for you.

    Congrats on the job; it sounds like a pretty tremendous fit! We miss you guys, by the way. It would be so nice to see each other again.

    (so there ya go; meeting people’s insecure comment whore needs. Just another small service that I provide. 😉 )

  4. Beth said

    Robin!

    Why must we live so far apart? ‘Cause we would, like totally be BFF if you were my neighbor. But wait, maybe we could like, you know, connect in *real* life too!! Stranger things have happened…seriously thanks for the comment for the attention whore, and thanks for the lovely (and oh so true) sentiment. I have a feeling that when we get to heaven, we’ll see how hugely we were held up in prayer, how our very survival day to day depended on it. Let us know how we can pray for you guys too. Your kids are what, like 32, 28, and 26 or something?? 🙂 Crazy how fast it all goes. Love to you all.

  5. Erica said

    So, then, we should have you over for dinner again sometime. But not until after the weekend of September 12th because we have a wedding that weekend and I don’t think our current level of insanity will die down any time before then. Maybe on a Friday or Saturday night. You should look at your schedule. Then you can go OUT without worrying about the cost.

    And don’t worry about the whole issue of reciprocation. Your husband will be PAY-ING on Tuesday. Seriously. I will extract the reciprocation in dust, nasty odors, and heavy to carry objects that he shall carry … oooohhhh yes, he shall carry them.

    I can’t believe what people are doing for us, either. It totally blows my mind.

    We love you guys,
    Erica

  6. Beth said

    We love you guys too. And when the insanity does die down, please know you can call upon us then too.

    And Tim is majorly going to work for you on Tuesday. With bells on!

    Looking forward to hanging out soon.

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