They’ll get me coming and going, apparently…

December 3, 2007

Self, I said, what could make these holidays more cheerful, more bright, more holiday-ish?

Because my dad’s surgery isn’t really enough (incidentally, he’s still having sinus symptoms, so I’d say that chances are good that the surgery will be put off. Again. Heavens, please pray.). My mom’s health problems? Still not quite enough to put the appropriate spin on the spirit of the holidays.

So…guess what? I am scheduled — this Wednesday at 6:00 a.m. as it turns out — for both an endoscopy and a colonoscopy. One friend asked me (and I don’t think she needed to be laughing quite that hard, but whatever) if they’ll do them at the same time and just run one scope all the way through me.

Sorry for any visuals the above sentence may have created. If you have to poke out both your eyes with a sharp stick, I totally get that.

A little history: I have been having wicked heartburn for the last several months, the kind that makes me barf and just generally feel miserable. I had an upper GI study (where I had to drink the chalky barium crap, and can I say, wow my daughter was a lot braver during her GI study than I was?), where they discovered that I have a small sliding hiatal hernia. God, I love to link you folks to digestive disorders, don’t I? Basically, a wee part of my tummy comes up into my esophagus, which causes the tremendous fire-like sensation in my throat, and sometimes even produces an upsurge of…well, you know, puke. (Okay, now you can poke your eyes out if you haven’t already.) I’m on some reflux medication — let’s all say GERD together now, friends. But my doc wants to check out everything to make sure there aren’t any significant changes.

As for the colonoscopy part (and no, I won’t provide you a link, to your everlasting gratefulness, those 2 of you still reading by this point): I won’t go into details. Let’s just say that my bowel has been…well, irritable for several months. ‘Nuff said. Okay, okay, there’s been a lot of gas.

I feel your love, internet.

The real bonus here is that this guy at St. Ann’s does these two procedures together. I mean, wow. Just wow. But with everything else happening in my life, it truly does make sense to go into the hospital only once. And I want to be OUT. Out out. I want to feel the lovely medicine hitting my system, and I want the next thing I see to be the sweet nurse saying to me, “We’re all done.” Let’s be honest here — I’m a big girl and I’m not at my best or nicest right now — it is to everyone’s advantage to knock me out. Completely. If I feel anything, if I sense anything of a scope like presence, there will be total hell to pay.

And tomorrow promises to be a real boon, as I get to be on a totally liquid diet (which yay! includes diet coke, but boo! does not include copious — or any — alcohol). And I get to take 32 pills (I could not make this up) over the course of 6 hours that will apparently…cleanse me. “My eyes! My eyes! The sockets where my eyes used to be!” you shout to yourself. By the time the kids come home from school, I’ll probably be hungry enough and mean enough to eat one of them. Watch out, my little lambs.

Honestly, I find this whole thing frickin’ hilarious. How could I not?

And Kori, you promised that you would comment if I posted about this. I’m so holding you to that. I mean, I’m being double scoped, what’s one tiny comment?

The doctors office assures me that I will feel quite fine by Wednesday afternoon, as I will only be under light sedation (remember what I said — out out out out), though she promises me that I will remember nothing. It’s not like I would really hunt her down and kill her if she’s wrong. Not really. I guess.

So, a Merry Christmas to all and to me a good procedure(s).


8 Responses to “They’ll get me coming and going, apparently…”

  1. Amanda said

    Hello Kori? You’ve had several hours to comment now and have not 🙂


    yes, the image of the scope from top to bottom is quite…um…interesting 🙂 but I won’t hold it against you. 🙂

  2. kate whitman said

    Oh, gosh, Beth. Even as a nurse this sounds miserable. We’ll keep you, your mom and dad, and your family in prayer. We’ve been through scoping stuff, so we have empathy. Keep us posted on how you are doing and if you need anything.
    Kate and Andy

  3. Andrew Anderson said

    “if i sense anything of a scope like presence…”

    You may have just given me ideas for my next poem. I’ll scope it out… har!
    Perhaps a poem with an abundance of colons… har har!
    Hope this comment isn’t too much to swallow… guffaw!

    And I do hope that you feel better. Having gone through a hernia surgery last Xmas, I can only imagine the joy you feel.

  4. Liz said

    wow i will be praying….life settles down. and that you will be as comfortable as one can be during the proceedures.

  5. Andy Whitman said

    No fun, I know, and I’ll be praying for you. Having gone through these procedures, I can assure you that the doctor isn’t lying when he/she says that you won’t remember a thing. You won’t. And really, some things aren’t worth remembering. Drugs can be wonderful things. 🙂

  6. Here is my comment I promised. It is hard to type after poking both my eyes out. Do you guys need anything? I can always make my jasmine rice for your kids if they need dinner. I am praying for you.

  7. kjames said

    dude. that SUCKS.

  8. Erica said


    Dude, the tears, it’s better to have them leak with the laughing than with the sorrow!

    Now, when shall I next make you dinner? I can’t do it Wednesday night, we have Bryden Place.
    Thursday? Faculty meeting, I’m pulling out of dinner for you on Thursday.
    Friday? You have homegroup, right? Does John still make you feed each other every week?
    Saturday … Saturday I could do. Saturday?
    I’ll be praying for you, mostly that the anesthesia WORKS! and that you don’t eat your kids because I’m worried that later in life? you might regret that.

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