I will not promise coherence…

November 2, 2007

…but then really, I don’t think any of you read for that anyway (hopefully).

It’s a bullet pointer.

  • I am not a talisman kind of gal — never had a rabbit’s foot or a lucky penny. I have items of great sentimental value, some of them quite silly, but nothing I would call a lucky charm. Since my mom was diagnosed with multiple myeloma, I have worn one of the ubiquitous cancer bracelets — in burgundy, the color for mm. I actually had to buy a second one about a year ago when the first one broke, and commented to Tim that it must be a good thing to work my way through a bracelet, because it means my mom is still alive and fighting. Well, my second one broke about a month ago, and I had not had a chance to replace it. Monday night — the night we can all put down on our calendars as the night I stopped feeling nothing and starting feeling a whole hell of a lot of something — I hysterically told Tim that maybe my mom was sicker because I needed to get a bracelet, that somehow my failure to obtain one sooner meant that my vigilance against the cancer had slipped and it must be all my fault. My husband, to his everlasting credit, held me and gently kissed me on the head and suggested I could pick one up on Tuesday. He didn’t try to argue me out of a point that I already knew to be foolish. He just indulged. He can be good that way.
  • Feelings are very inconvenient — like when they come when one is supposed to be running back and forth between children’s classroom Halloween parties. Sitting on the floor of the girls’ bathroom and sobbing doesn’t exactly fit well into that time frame. But.
  • Rob got punched in the nose yesterday by a second grade boy. It’s a long story, but three second grade boys basically attacked him when a chase game got out of hand. Why Rob? “Oh, because the other boys ran away and Rob stood his ground,” the school secretary informed me. Yeah, that’s my kid. The three culprits (none of whom is a “bad” kid — one of whom we actually played soccer with a couple of years ago) got in BIG ASS trouble and seemed genuinely repentant. They wrote Rob notes of apology, and last night Rob decided that he wanted to write them notes of forgiveness. Rob? A really, really good egg. But I needed the whole thing like I needed a big fat zit.
  • I took Dan to the Michigan State game a couple of weeks ago before all this crap began happening. It is rare to say — without it being hyperbole — that someone had the time of his life. But Dan did. What an awesome, fun time.
  • Abby is growing up so fast. And her sense of humor is actually starting to make me laugh more and more.
  • Jeff talked a couple of weeks ago about going through difficult times and feeling a sense of peace and strength and God’s presence — just an inner knowledge that we will be okay. Sometimes I feel like that. Other times I feel like a ripped kite flapping around looking stupid. Oh well.

7 Responses to “I will not promise coherence…”

  1. Liz said

    hello beth…not for the same reasons yet i can relate to having MANY meltdowns this week! i wanted to share with you a picture i got while reading your post….when God shows me himself often times it looks like a HUGE throne and a “person” who looks like what i picture moses to look like again huge…and i saw that picture and i saw this may sound strange but God was cradling you in his arm and had tim and the kids also in his lap and you were holding your dad and mom and also some people i do not recognize but perhaps the rest of your extended family and i felt like He was wanting me to share that with you and that it really is o.k. for you to have the tears and to cast those tears onto Him for he cares for you and yours (family) and also to cast those cares onto your church family for they care and want to help….and also i just got this really strong impression that i was to share with you to listen to what your gut deep deep down tells you. i hope to see you and the family tonight and am hoping to be able to pray with and for you and yours if that is alright with you.

  2. Brian Carlson said

    Your husband? is awesome.

    Your son? also awesome.

    Your post? likewise awesome.

    when am I making you dinner?

  3. Beth said

    Liz — what a beautiful picture. And how precious that is to me right now. Thank you so much for sharing it. I do have some senses deep deep down in my gut, and though those senses are hard and painful, I feel God there with me. Thank you for your sweet words and friendship.

    Erica — I must agree with you about the awesomeness of all involved…I think that my dad will be coming home right before Thanksgiving, and I’m going to cook up a couple of our major holiday dishes (my mom’s cashew dressing…yum!), so they will have some leftovers. Maybe sometime the weekend or week after Thanksgiving…And you? Awfully dang awesome yourself, friend. Thanks much.

  4. Brian Carlson said

    Are you sure you don’t need a meal sooner? Like, next weekend, just to take some pressure off and have something to look forward to? I can cook again after Thanksgiving, but I might need my marbella now, and the original recipe is prepared with four chickens, so I expect to make a very large batch. It’s not that I would just be cooking for YOU, I would be cooking for ME as well, so you can see where this is basically an issue of self interest.

    I’m just sayin’, is all.


  5. Beth said

    Hey, I’m not STUPID! (Well, much) But I never turn down good food. Next weekend might be simply lovely. I mean, for you. ‘Cause I’m always, always thinking of you.

  6. Erica said

    As well you should be. FINALLY I have gotten your focus off your kids, your parents, your husband, your life, and redirected at the important topic: ME!

    la la la!

    Great success!

  7. john mccollum said

    I think ripped kites look cool.

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