Moving beyond nothing…

October 25, 2007

For some reason, the song from A Chorus Line called “Nothing” is running through my mind…

I dug right down to the bottom of my soul…and I tried and I tried…Nothing! I felt nothing.

It’s a song about a girl taking an acting class who is being demanded to feel all sorts of ways in preparation to be a good actress. Yet she finds that she can’t. While others around her can make themselves feel like an ice cream cone, she just feels…well, nothing.

I can relate.

As I have navigated the minefields of the medical world, I have turned — by necessity — into a person who feels very little. I talk to others about the risk of death (4%-13%, though looking at risk factors, I think he’s on the lower to middle end of that stat) from the surgery. Some would say, “Oh, God, don’t google it. You’ll find out all sorts of stuff you don’t need to know.” But I do. Need to know, I mean. I recognize that some of my information gathering is a futile attempt to exert control over a situation over which I have exactly no control. Of course I get that. My knowledge is an armor of sorts too. I have to deal in facts and figures so that I can wrap my mind around any of this. Facts matter. They don’t determine all, and I certainly don’t live or die (wow, really bad phrase that) by the statistics, but knowing them gives me some idea of what it is we’re dealing with.

Ane on that topic, I have a very specific prayer request. Without boring everyone with a whole lot of information (yes, yes, I googled it too), my mom appears to have some of the early symptoms of something called oral osteonecrosis. Long, long story short, medicine that she has taken to stave off the cancer may have weakened her jaw to the point that the bones will basically disintegrate. It’s ugly stuff and very scary. I feel an urgent need to stand in prayer against this. I take her to her oncologist tomorrow, but we probably won’t learn more about this topic from him — we’ll need to see oral surgeons who specialize in it.

So, nothing. Yeah, I’m starting to feel. And let me say, nothing can be a pretty big gift at times. But God is good. And I don’t say that as a knee-jerk Christianese kind of reaction. No, the fundamental goodness and closeness of God is the only thing that makes feeling all the somethings of this situation tolerable.


4 Responses to “Moving beyond nothing…”

  1. john mccollum said

    God have mercy. We’re praying for your mom. And for all of the other crap, too.

  2. Julie Workman said

    Wow Beth, I couldn’t imagine having to deal with both parents being so ill. You seem to be a strong person. My prayers will continue to be with you and your family.

  3. kate whitman said

    I am so sorry, Beth. I will be praying. Friends can stand in the gap.

  4. Beth said

    Thanks all. Actually, Julie, I feel like a very very weak person right now. But I guess God can be the strong one. And Kate, I have questions for you about home health care nurses. We’ll have to talk soon.

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