A Short Lexicon of Suckage

September 5, 2007

First, I apologize to those of you who find forms of the verb “to suck” offensive. Believe me, much more offensive language could be spewing from my keyboard (day 4 with no smoking), so in the words of someone, somewhere: “Deal with it.”

Isn’t that nice to come to someone’s blog and feel outright hostility? (My 6 readers suddenly gets reduced to 2.)

But anyway. I have developed a theory that centers around this idea of suckage. You see, there’s a certain amount of said suckage inherent in life. We can all agree to this, no? Here I am particularly talking about the suckage centered around child rearing. Yes, yes there are many times of rainbows and puppies in being a parent to my children. They can be lovely little people. But because they are, well, not so perfect, sometimes a certain level of suckage accompanies my three darlings.

Post Grocery Suckage: I normally go to the grocery story Saturday night (yes, yes I have no life). When my friend, Tracy, and I return home with a van full of groceries at 8:00 pm, I can say with certainty that we can anticipate a solid hour of suckage as groceries are unloaded (“I’m hungry, I’m hungry!!!!” my children shout as though they have never before seen food) and put away (“Mommy, can I have Pringles? Mommy can I have a hot dog? Mommy I neeeeeeed some jelly toast.). Tired kids faced with new food, clamoring around my kitchen, pulling food out of infinite numbers of plastic bags? Wow. And then I have the bedtime push. They’re “not tired,” they don’t want to go to “early church,” and heavens no, they don’t want to “brush my teeeeth.”

And my idea has always been that as parents we might as well simply embrace the suckage. Bringing home exhausted children from a day of swimming? It’s going to suck for a bit. Just breathe deeply and accept it. Your toddler won’t poop on the potty but poops on the living room rug? Obvious unavoidable suckage. New math concepts that your son or daughter doesn’t get? Suckage, my friend. It happens.

But now, I reveal to you a heretofore undiscovered form of suckage:

Compression Suckage: This form is new to me, because I’ve never had all my children in school all day. So, for 6+ hours at school, my kids are all pretty decent. They are reasonably obedient and pleasant. But around 4:30 when homework (OMG HOMEWORK!!!) must be done, a torrent of suckage the likes of a hurricane suddenly blows through my house. If you subscribe to the thought that a certain amount of suckage occurs each day — think about the combustibility of suckage that has been stored up, held back, kept from surfacing. So minor pieces of suckage that would have normally been spread out across the whole day, compress into about an hour before dinner. And in the case of today, spill over into dinner, but that’s another story. (Note: Torture, actual horrific torture, can be achieved merely by presenting meatloaf to someone. Who knew?)

I tell you — I’m completely flattened tonight. I feel like I was run over by a semi of suckage. I had no time to embrace it because the suckage rolled right over me and left me for dead.

Must go peel the fragments of blown up suckage still stuck to the wall and try to embrace what’s left of it.

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5 Responses to “A Short Lexicon of Suckage”

  1. Have you considered giving up Diet Coke? Might help…

  2. Liz said

    I am still here as a loyal reader and will be no matter what you might say in or outside of your blog…. : ) I am one who has some words or phrases that I use often that sometimes people find offensive such as the favorite one of late is ” holy mother or crap” which i guess is better than some of the other phrases of mine…wow reading about the kid chaos that can be after coming back from grocery shopping reminded me of the stories marianne and johnny would share coming home after shopping and my four nephews seeming to come out of nowhere to descend into the kitchen……….

  3. Amanda Anderson said

    Hey! Congratulations on your 10th day of not smoking. Assuming that the 4th day was on the 5th, this should be the 10th right?? I’m not good with numbers…:)

    sorry about the suckage.

    some meatloaf IS torture, but I’m sure yours is not. How is Abby doing with the food thing by the way?

  4. nikkip said

    i SO understand the suckage of grocery unloading! glad to read about someone else who regularly experiences such suckage. thankyou. thankyou. thankyou.

  5. Beth said

    Liz — thanks for being such a loyal reader!!

    Amanda — yes, day 10!! Still very much a one day at a time proposition. My meatloaf is a wonder (well, not really, but it’s not torture either!). Abby’s doing so-so with eating. Some days are better than others.

    Nikki — as parents we must support each other in our respective suckages! And how much do I love your daughter? She is the sweetest funniest little girl! (I’m sure Phoebe is too — I just know Zoe) 😀

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