The Diet Coke Manifesto

September 4, 2007

Don’t mess with my Diet Coke, okay?

I am going to allow it to be my one teensy vice, now that I have *small voice* quit smoking again. Yeah again. As some of you may remember, I “quit” back in February for a bit. But I stumbled and fell flat on my face on the concrete. And I really want to succeed this time, if for no other reason than what is becoming my mantra: “It’s never not going to suck to quit.”

I want to be the person on the other side of this vice, but to accomplish that, I have to be the person walking through the difficulty now.

But back to the matter at hand. I don’t want Coke Free (with Splenda), nor do I want Diet Coke Plus with extra vitamins. Good heavens, with as much of the stuff as I pound down, I would probably have to be hospitalized with an overdose of zinc or something. Just plain and simple Diet Coke. Cool and bubbly (flat Diet Coke is anathema to me), either in a cold can or over ice. In a pinch, and after 8:00 pm, I will accept caffeine free DC.

And please, dear friends, don’t make the mistake of offering me a Diet Pepsi in these coming difficult days. And don’t preach to be about the benefits of 374 ounces of water (bah!) a day. Because I may just rip your tonsils out through your nose, okay? I’m handling the stress of quitting with all the grace of a gorilla. Actually, gorillas can be quite graceful in their own…wait, wait, I lost track again.

Diet Coke is not a negotiating point right now.

I never eat potato chips with that olestra crap (First of all, it’s supposed to give one gastric cramps. Um…yuck?) because when I die, I want my brain to be the perfect specimen for studying the hideous and possibly brain-cell-reducing effects of aspartame. So my drinking Diet Coke is contributing to the future of medical science. You can thank me at any time. Should maybe someone contact the Nobel committee on my behalf?

And another thought: Diet Coke consumption doesn’t harm anyone else. It’s not like anyone gets a second-hand caffeine buzz from me. But with my luck, Franklin County will ban the drinking of Diet Coke in public. And Diet Coke drinkers will have to huddle around one another outside in the middle of winter, as we chug down our DC. And people will look at us like we’re pariahs! “Damn you Diet Coke drinkers! Don’t you know you’re only to do that in the privacy of your own homes?” they’ll shout. And bars will start collections for the inevitable Diet Coke violations sure to be leveled against them. And…

Deep breath. Deep breath. Yes, the stability I’m mustering while quitting smoking is admirable. Feel free to use me as an example to others.

Oh beautiful brown bubbly burp-inducing Diet Coke. I love you forever.

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4 Responses to “The Diet Coke Manifesto”

  1. Robin said

    oh man. amanda told me to read your blog b/c you are so funny.

    my favorite part “And please, dear friends, don’t make the mistake of offering me a Diet Pepsi in these coming difficult days. And don’t preach to be about the benefits of 374 ounces of water (bah!) a day.”

    seems you and i have something in common. well except for the diet thing. not only am i killing myself with high fructose corn syrup but i am also downing 120 calories per can.

    do i care? no. i say…take your water somewhere else.

  2. Beth said

    Thanks for reading Robin!

    We could be our own scientific study of which kills you quicker — aspartame or corn syrup! 😀

  3. Amanda said

    hahaha!! I like the image of people huddled in corners drinking Diet Coke. 🙂

    And congratulations on quitting!!!

  4. Liz said

    I can relate SO MUCH to what you wrote! I have a confession though to make is that my drink of choice that I get jonesing for is diet pepsi or if I have to have regular pop than I will drink regular coke. I am the same way if people offer me diet coke and not diet pepsi. I laughed when reading about people huddled in a corner…I imagine myself doing that at times when I do eventually want to drink less caffeine and such but right now with all that is going on it is not the time. Enjoy your diet coke…………..

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