Something that consistently astounds me…

May 9, 2007

…is that when I am SO tired, SO weary of life, SO believing that I must RIGHT NOW have a break from everything…I am still able to get my children bathed, read their books, talk through their school mishaps (And yes, I’m talking to YOU, mother of the boy who picked on my son and then started a fight with him, while you stood by and told MY son that you would put him in time out if it happened again! Let me be very clear: you will not be putting my kid in time out in this millennium, lady.) and generally just keep on going.

Before I had kids I never knew how much one could do when so exhausted. I never knew that I could be patient enough for one more back rub, one more drink of water at night. I never knew that I could sustain some level of activity from 7 in the morning until 10 at night, without physically harming someone. I never knew that I could survive with little to no break in the action. That I could rise my exhausted self one more time in the middle of the night to deal with a child’s sniffles and cough.

Still no word on the job front. And things at Che Koruna are a little dim this morning. For all I manage to do, it’s almost 10:00 a.m. and I’m still in my bathrobe. My boys are running around with rampant little boy energy all around me and I find myself unable to connect or interact or engage. I keep coming back in my mind to the final lines of a poem by Ed Hirsch, a poem about the end of an unhappy love affair, yet it seems appropriate today in these circumstances too.

I never wanted it to be like this: hopeless
and ordinary, dull as a toothache at lunchtime,
as watching t.v. in the afternoon in summer.

I never wanted it to happen inside the house
where I am still undressed at 2 p.m., at 4 p.m.,
where it seems so precisely like failure.

Please don’t misunderstand: my husband is not a failure in any way, shape or form. And his job search is not a failure — these things take time, too much time. And while I’m sure there’s some splendid lesson of trusting in the Lord’s provision I am supposed to be learning, “bah” is all I really feel like saying. And I don’t think I’m a failure — I am, after all, going to take a shower and get dressed and get my kid to speech therapy and then on to school. I will go and be the Safety Patrol Parent this afternoon (And for those of you curious, yes I get a neon yellow flag. But no one has entrusted me — dammit — with a whistle. And I think I could REALLY rock a whistle, but whatever.). And then I’ll have Abby’s Irish dance partner over after school to practice their recital piece, go to the MRI for my sore back (which will certainly NOT reveal anything structural to be fixed, but will reveal that wow, I have some sore, damn tense muscles, you think?), and then hang out with some lovely friends and eat Chinese take-out. And then come home to watch Lost later tonight to catch me up on goings-on that make my life seem pretty easy in comparison I guess.

In other words, I will muddle through an ordinary day where my husband continues to send out resumes and await phone calls. I will even probably be fairly nice to people (Except you, playground mom. YOU had better watch our step.  My dear son actually said of pushing the other boy off of him:  “I didn’t push too hard, Mom.  I mean I didn’t want to hurt him.”  If only the world were filled with more people like Rob.). I will play with the kitten and read my book and wait for God to break into this situation in whatever way He chooses. I will await even the tiniest slant of light that God provides me in this situation. And I will continue to support my husband, whose patience must be as thin as Kate Moss by this point.

I will keep going. And sometimes, today especially, that astounds me.

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5 Responses to “Something that consistently astounds me…”

  1. Liz said

    I really believe that God gives people especially Mom’s super strength to get through what they need to do…I remember being amazed at my sister who within about 6 months of moving to a new city where there was no family that she had a baby and when he was 3 days old one of his brothers came home from school with chicken pox which over the next month his other two brothers got all except the baby so she had a newborn and 3 sick kids and then had to deal with at the time her husband interested in another woman and sure some family including myself went down for a few days at a time but still looking back I am amazed at how strong she stayed and how praying she stayed and now that baby is 23 and she is still married to the same person for 38 years I think it is even though they had what she called the seven year slump in the marriage…so I really do believe that God gives super powers it seems to moms I also wanted to say that I will keep praying about a job and also that God continues to give you super strength…emotional and spiritual to deal with all that is going on and will pray that you get some sweet times of fellowship with friends and family..

  2. Liz said

    I just wanted to add that I am not trying to trivilize what you are going through and also I know that it is fricking hard at times to wait and wonder and weep and wish…..

  3. bethkoruna said

    Thanks for the sweet encouragement Liz. Praying for you too.

  4. Amanda said

    Oh Beth! 😦

    PLEASE let me and Andy know if we can do anything, anything at all! I’m sincere about this. Call or e-mail if you need anything, Kori has my number and my e-mail is amandamarieanderson (at) gmail (dot) com. Please don’t feel bad to ask for anything, dinner, errand running, transportation, babysitting(we’re good with kids!), dessert(we buy good ice cream) :).

    I just hate this situation so much, and even though we don’t know you both that well yet, we love you and don’t want this to happen!

    We are praying earnestly for something to change!

  5. bethkoruna said

    Amanda (and Andy!),

    Thanks for your generous offers. Especially if Tim ends up on the road, I may well take you up on any and all offers. Ice cream is always good.

    And thanks so much for your prayers. They are GREATLY appreciated by Tim and me.

    In terms of God’s little slants of light, we’ve been listening to the CV CD in the car this week — and I (and Tim and the kids who sing along, which is so sweet) have be SO ministered to by “Grace Like Rain.” In fact, right after I wrote this post, we listened to that song in the car, and I felt like God was prodding me and saying, “See — THIS is one of those slants of lights you asked for.” So thank you not just for your lovely offers, but for sharing your lovely voice as a ministry.

    And we love you guys too!!

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