Asshats — 1, Beth — Zip

May 3, 2007

First of all, I must apologize for the title of this post to any of those that it offends. It’s just that it’s become a sort of favorite word of mine, so accurately does it describe some situations. So to be clear, I’m not talking about any particular asshat, just the general asshattedness of life. Maybe I should take off my WWJD bracelet…okay, I don’t have a bracelet, but anyway…

So far on Tim’s job front…well, they’re floating an opportunity in Cedar Rapids, Iowa that could last two to three months or beyond. You may know this city by its other, more familiar, name: “The Disney World of the Midwest.”

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure they’re all lovely people there in Cedar Rapids. And I’m sure that it’s a lovely, thriving community (really, I’m not sure of this at all). But Cedar Rapids has one insurmountable problem: it ain’t here.

And here is where we want Tim to stay. My poor Rob worries so over life — sometimes I think he’s way too attuned for a six year old. “They’re ruining our family!” he wailed at me in the car. Target: heart. Weapon: arrow that goes straight through. And it doesn’t help that my feelings pretty much echo his.

But it’s the mom’s job to be strong, to bear up under the stress, sometimes to shut my mouth and be nice (this does not play to my strengths). But, man, it’s hard, as any of you stay-at-homers know, to be so dependent on another’s career. Because it is his career. It is him that bears the extraordinary burden of providing for a wife and three children. This situation cuts closer for him than it does for me…yet (I think I sound whiny) my role here of supporting feels awfully difficult right now. If/when Tim travels, I will have to help the kids keep their eyes focused on Jesus and to be grateful for the fact that they have a father willing to make such sacrifices for them. And sheesh, I’ll have to spend a lot of time with them — any single moms out there, internet readers — good heavens, I salute you with everything in me. Your job is often thankless and always exhausting…

I hate the question, “How do you do it?” which people used to ask when I had three children under the age of three and was averaging, oh, less than three hours of sleep per night. How do you do it? Crap, no one gives you a choice, do they?

More to the point, how does the grandmother of the kindergarten mom whose cancer has returned do it? How do mothers in third world countries whose children regularly die do it?

I guess you just do. Especially as a wife and mother, you just do. Because you love these people more than life. Because I love Tim so much and fully believe in his talents and his abilties. Because I know that he wants the best for the rest of us, that he’s willing to lie himself down and sacrifice for us. Because God will (I guess) give me the strength to be everything — or at least some of the things — I need to be to face trials ahead.

I have to keep my eyes on Jesus in this limbo or the Asshats really will win. To compare it to soccer (which would make my son Dan happy), today I left my goal — my mind — untended for a bit and the Asshats scored big on my thought life. I might need to look into changing goalies. I keep telling Rob that defense is the key in soccer (he’s been wishing he could play more offense, but man, can he kick the heck out of that ball and get it back on the right side of the field), and to a large degree, I need to kick it right back down field to even the score.

But please, if you could dear readers, pray for something local.

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8 Responses to “Asshats — 1, Beth — Zip”

  1. kjames said

    oh fuck.
    and i’m not even apologizing for that.

    seriously. i remember when tim was travelling all the time. it sucked hard. but also? you did it. you did it really really well. and i know you didn’t think you did but you did. so somehow, someHOW, we rise to the occasion that we have to rise to. i don’t know how you do it, you just DO. and you will. whatever that occasion is.

    your mom… the whole shitty cancer thing… i’m so so sorry. i love you so much.

  2. Yeah. Ditto. Except on the potty mouth stuff. ‘Cause I never swear about life. Even when it fucking sucks.

    At any rate, we’re with you on this, and will continue to be. We’re praying, and we’ll help you through all this as you’ve helped my family when I’m away.

    Still, we’re praying for something local.

  3. Beth Koruna said

    Blessed beyond measure by good friends, we are. Love you guys.

  4. kjames said

    now you’re starting to sound a little like yoda, though. i’ll pray for that for sure. 😉

  5. Beth Koruna said

    OMG you’re right! Things are worse than I had thought. Though, maybe I could carry it off?

    No, I’m screwed.

  6. kjames said

    you’d need to be a heck of a lot shorter to carry yoda off, and that’s not happening. not untill you’re at least 60 or 70 years old and start shrinking…

  7. Liz said

    Beth….I can really relate to feeling stressed even though I am not married or a mom but can relate since I got laid off work in January and am still looking and then found out yesterday that my insurance medicine coverage is capped out for the year and I am on five medications that I cannot afford and my dog Gracie has again a double ear infection and now it looks like arthritis in her back so life is feeling very large and very stressful as I it is for you I will be keeping you all in my prayers…I am learning though that God can handle my anger and my sadness and my tears and my worries and my cussing….and my questions and all of it.

  8. Beth Koruna said

    Karen — Plus I would have to turn green…hmmm

    Liz — Thanks for the sweet comment and prayers. I too will pray for your many trials — that life won’t feel quite as large and stressful. And you make such a good point — God CAN handle everything — tears, anger, sadness, worry and even cussing! Thanks for the encouragement. 😀

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