Ode to Sally Field

November 18, 2006

I have recently been in situations where I have been meeting new people. Lots of new people. And that’s good, it really is. But as a natural introvert who finds solitary activities like reading or writing to be refreshing, I sometimes feel a bit overwhelmed. And then tonight at a Bible study (where yes, there are many people new to me), someone prayed about how desperately insecure we all feel at times and how we need to remember the depth of God’s love for us. Her prayer almost brought tears to me — not the attractive dew-droppy kind, but the snotty gulpy kind of tears.

I guess I want to reach an age or a point of maturity where I no longer struggle with insecurity.

Oh it’s definitely better than say, 7th grade (a grade that surely should be eliminated for its scarring impact on each of us). But developing new relationships means exposure on some level — or the relationship isn’t worth developing, I realize — but tonight I had to admit to myself how much I just want…people to like me. And it kind of grosses me out, to be honest. I want to be like Popeye: “I yam what I yam.” Not that God can’t improve upon my character. Not that I don’t get ridiculously uptight or cranky at times. But yuck, I don’t want to be one of those people constantly seeking my affirmation from others. “No really Beth, you are good enough and smart enough….” Blech.

I want to stand firmly grounded in the Lord and to be able to say of myself that I am a new creation like 2 Corinthians says. I don’t want to care so much and worry over myself to the degree I do. Really, I want my eyes and mind to be on others. I want to think of them, not me. Lord, change my selfish heart. And if in the course of that change, if people like me, really like me, well that’s cool too.

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3 Responses to “Ode to Sally Field”

  1. By the way, we’re quite enjoying your old blog as well. Oh, the things people can find out when they read our blogs. It feels more voyeuristic when you’re looking at discontinued blog — kind of like reading someone’s diary or something.

    Anyway, I’m sure there are people who have scoured my last few years’ writings to find out juicy tidbits or just to get a fuller picture of what makes me tick. I actually went back about a year ago and redacted most of the really nasty f-bombs…

    It’s been fun getting to know you — online and in person. Cheers!

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